Bite Me: A Love Story Chapter 8

8. Being the Chronicles of Abby Normal, in the Double-doomed Doghouse of DespairDo the condemned in perdition lie with the suffering that is a whole day of mom-guilt heaped a homogeneous steaming piles of bat guano upon my spiky magenta coif? (I went with magenta spikes with electric over-embellished tips to express my stunnedrage at being dragged from my shell and imprisoned with the cruel Mombot and my crapacious little sister, Ronnie.) Evidently, Mother feels that we were too young to move in together unless a hebdomad after meeting, and live in a stolen apartment with two of the undead and their stupid amounts of cash. Although she doesnt re anyy know ab come egress of the closet the undead or the cash parts, barely she made her point.Kayso, I had like put on my red tartan wedding gown with the dusky veil and resolved myself to an exclusively-day power-pout in the corner of the living(a) room, coming up only to text Foo messages of my agony of missing him and change t he channel and whatnot, when Jared called from the land-line at the love lair.So Im all, Speak, corpse-fluffer.And Jared is all, OMFG The Countess is out, and she was naked, but now shes not, and she totally got line of business all over your l eliminateher corset, and you contrive to come right now because the rats are freaking out and we accept a hacksaw and a file.And Im all, Uh-oh.And Jared is all, I know. I know. OMG OMGAnd Im all, Is she pissed? Sounding way more chill than I felt.And Jared pauses for a second like hes estimateing it over, then hes all, Shes wearing your clothes and theres origination cartroad all down the front of her and shes nodding and showing her fangs and shit.So Im like acquire some perspective now-like when youre a kid and you think it sucks that you have to eat hydrogenated peanut butter on your PBJ, and then you see one of those starving commercial kids with the flies in their eyeball, who dont even have a sandwich-and youre all, Well, that s ucks. Kayso, Im thinking that by chance being under restriction in the mother units Fillmore stronghold isnt so bad when compared to having the Countess busting out her wrath on you for imprisoning her in bronze.So Im like, Sucks to be you, Jared. Byez. And I offed my phone.So like 5 minutes go by, which I spend in my corner spillage, Oh shit, oh shit, oh shit, and whatnot, and the land-line rings. And Ronnie is all, Are you going to get that? from her room.And Im all, I didnt even know it was hooked up.And she was all, Its probably Mom checking up on you, so you might as well get it.And Im all, Ronnie, answer it or I will executing you in your sleep and dump your body in the Bay.And shes all, Kay.Then, Its for you. Its some girl named Jody. And Ronnie is all standing there with her shaved take aim and her nonexistent hip throw out, like So there, ho.And Im all, Fucksocks And I take the phone and Im like, Hi, I have amnesia and dont remember anything for the last two months B ecause what do you say to someone who you had dye?And the Countess is all, Abby, Im not angry.Which was a total lie, because I could hear that she was angry. She had that Im not angry mom voice, even though shes only, like, twenty-six in real years.So youre not going to kill me?Well talk. Right now I need you to get a power drill and a hacksaw with extra blades and come to the loft.And Im all, I dont know where to get push up like that, and Foos at work, and Im on restriction, and I have to go to school tomorrow. I have a test, so I totally privyt cut class, and besides, what do you need that stuff for?And shes all, Find the tools and come now. Tommy is stuck in the statue and we need to get him out.And Im thinking, Oops. But Im chill and Im like, Cant he get out the same way you did?And the Countess is all, Tommy doesnt know how to turn to mist. Thats how I escaped, but Tommy has been trapped in there for-how long, Abby?Oh, like a couple of days. Its all so foggy, after the head trauma.Then I hear her saying, like, Jared, come over here. I want Abby to hear your neck snap.Okay, like five weeks. Fuck, Countess, overreact much? commence now, Abby.And she adept clicks off.So I text Foo COUNTESS OUT, NEED HACKSAW PWRDRILL NOWAnd hes all WTF? WTF? WTF? OUT? WTF? ACE HARDWARE, CASTRO ST(I know. Four WTFs Foo has deep intellectual curiosity. Last week he quizzed me for twenty minutes on what it was like to have a clitoris. I just kept saying nice. I know, Im such a tard, I couldnt think of anything else. I so have to learn French. They have like thirty-seven words for clitoris. Theyre like snow to Eskimos, only you know, harder to build an igloo out of.)Kayso, I text him KTXBYE 3And I tell Ronnie to tell Mom that I think I got some anthrax on my toothbrush and I have to go to Walgreens to get a new one so Ill be right back. Then I put on my jacket with the solarise warts, in case of ribbingyre kitties and whatnot, and I take the F car up to Castro Street and go to Ace Hardware. And Im totally feeling the animosity coming off the Builder Bob guy in the red apron, and Im like, What? Youve never seen a wedding dress?And hes all, No, I love the dress, the jacket, the whole ensem is fabulous.And Im like, Really? Thanks. Your apron rocks. I need a hacksaw and a power drill.And hes all, Whats it for?And Im all, You want a note from my mom? A fucking hacksaw and a power drill. Im on a schedule.And hes all, I asked because we have over thirty different kinds of power drills.And Im like, Oh. I need to release my Dark manufacturing business from the bronze shell in which I imprisoned him.And hes, Oh, you should have said so. And he leads me to the drill boutique and I picked out a red and black one that matched my dress, and Bob picked out a hacksaw which totally clashed, but I didnt want to hurt his feelings, so I said it was trs beau, which is French for sweet.Kayso, as Im paying for my stuff, I go, So, wherefore are you guys still open at midnig ht?And Bob goes, Well, you know how it is, you never know when someone is going to need to free their dark lord in the middle of the night, or tie him up.And Im all, Ewww. Because I do not go for that shit. I am only into S and bondage as it applies to wardrobe. I try cutting myself to express my heartbreak over Tommy (Lord Flood) rejecting me, but OMFG it hurts like flaming fuck. I mean, Im into self-mutilations as much as the next person-I have eight piercings and five tattoos, some that hurt like double flaming fuck to get, but that was professional, and you skunk blame someone. In fact, I know a guy in the Haight who will tattoo you for free if youre a girl and you keep yelling at him the whole time, which, it turns out, isnt that hard to do when someone is poking you with an electric needle. When he did my bat wings I roared at him so much I lost my voice for two days.Kayso, I took the F car across townspeople and the three blocks from Market to the loft, but like holding the button on my cheerfulness wart jacket in case I got ambushed by Chet and his vampyre smoke pals, because I totally cant run in my wedding dress because the buckles of my motocross platforms get caught in the lace, so its like, stand and fight or die, bitches But no vamp kitties came.Anyway, I make it to the loft and I come in all, Hey Countess, heres your drill All Carebear-on-crack-perky, although that might have been a mistake, because its a proven fact that its easier to reach the perky. And Im sort of, WTF vampyress? Because shes not her normal self, which is like hemophiliac hawt, but shes like printer-paper pale. And I totally ignore the fact that shes wearing one of my long skirts and my black bustier without even asking, and its bustiering her way more than it does me, which is kind of rude. And Im all, Countess, are you okay? You look kind of pale.And Jared is all, You should have seen her in advance she drank those blood bags.And Im suddenly feeling all bastard on a stick, because its obvious that shes all gone snowflake because shes been locked up without feeding. So Im like, Sorry. I just wanted you guys to be together for eternity, and it didnt sound like thats how it was going to happen.And shes like, Later, Abby. And she just takes the tools from me and goes over to the statue and take overs drilling and sawing and whatnot.So Im like, How did you get out?And shes all, Rat boy was dancing and nicked the casting with his dagger. And Jareds all, I wasnt dancing. I had some espresso and I was telling them my novel and I lost my balance on your stupid boots.And Im all, You cant give him caffeine, Countess. His aunt gave him a hundred-dollar Starbucks card for Christmas and we had to have an intervention.And Jody pauses and looks back at me, her eyes looking all emerald-like, because except for her hair, she has no color in her face and shes like, Tommy didnt know how to turn to mist, Abby. I never had a chance to teach him before you bronze d us. Hes been trapped in here, fully conscious, for five weeks.And Im like backing away, because Ive seen the Countess pissed off before, like when the Animals kidnapped Tommy and she had to kick their asses to get him back, but now shes all jaw tightened like shes keeping herself from tearing my arms off or something. So I sort of feel for the button on the cuff of my sun jacket. Not like I was going to fry the Countess, because I wouldnt do that, but just for security.And she just snaps her overturn out and before I can move shes pulled the battery out of my inside pocket and ripped off the wire leads. I mean like faster than you can blink.So Im like, I wasnt going to light it up.And shes all, Just to be safe.But Im not feeling safe. And I can tell that Jared isnt feeling safe because hes sort of sniffling like hes going to start crying.And Jody is sawing on the bronze like a crazy person-on the side where she used to be, so she doesnt cut Tommy-and finally she has, like, enough sawed away that she can pull a piece away and look in.And shes all, Tommy, were going to get you out of there. I have to be careful, but Ill get you out of there soon.And Jared is like, Do you need a flashlight?And Jody is like, No, I can see.And Jared is all, Is he dead?And right then Jody snaps a hacksaw blade and goes, Well of course hes dead, hes a vampyre.And Im all, Duh? Tard. As I hand Jody another blade.I have to say, that for someone with super powers and immortality, the Countess kind of sucks ass with tools. I guess the dark gift doesnt include home improvement skills.Kayso, after about an hour the Countess pulls a big piece off the statue, revealing Tommys face and torso and whatnot, and hes just stuck there, not moving, not possibleness his eyes, and even whiter than the Countess, kind of a light bruise-blue color.And Jared is all, He dead?And Jody is like kind of between a scream and a sob, and shes like, Get me another blood bag, Jared. And Abby, where the fuck are my clothes? And a little blood tear runs down her cheek.And Im like, Uh-oh. Because now I realize why shes wearing my clothes. When Foo and I go in we put all of Tommy and Jodys clothes in vacuum bags under the bed. So Im like, What do you want to wear, Countess? Ill get it. I mean, you can wear my stuff any time you want, because I am your faithful minion, but you have been endowed by your creator with significantly more boobage and junk in the automobile trunk than me, no offense, and my stuff doesnt exactly fit you. No offense.And Jared is all, She had your Emily hoody on over that but it got blood all over it. Not helping at all. Hey, who wants a latte?And the Countess snarled at Jared, full frontal fangs and all. And Jared jumped back and turned his ankle. And Im like, Oh shitAnd she barks, BloodAnd Jared and I are all, Coming right up. Oh shit. Oh shit. Oh shit.And I turn her the bag of blood and she tears it open with her teeth and just pours it over his lips and in his mo uth and nothing happens. And Jody is crying and getting louder and Jared and I are getting more and more freaked out and even all the rats in their little boxes are freaking out and running around in circles and whatnot. And finally Tommys eyes stamp out open, and theyre like crystal blue, like ice, not like eyes, and he screams, and I swear to fucking zombie Jebus, the whole wall of windows in the loft just shattered in the frames.So Jared and I are all bent over in the corner, covering our ears, and Tommy comes flying out of the statue. You can hear his limb bones cracking like pretzels as he pulls them out, but he scurries on his hands, knocking rats and furniture every which way, coming right at me, fangs first.And I go to reach for the button on my sleeve, but hes on me, biting my neck. Hes so strong its like trying to fight a statue, and I can hear Jody screaming, and the skin on my neck tearing in shreds. And my vision is like tunneling down to dark, and Im thinking, Im fuc king dying? What the fucks up with that?Then theres this loud clang, like a bell, and I feel Tommy pulled off me. And light sort of comes back on. I can see the Countess standing there, holding Foos stainless-steel floor lamp like its a lance, and shes obviously just smacked Tommy with it hard enough to knock him off of me. But instead of going at her, he comes scurrying right back at me, smearing blood all over the floor and everything.And the Countess catches him by the neck from behind and swings him around and out through the broken windows, and the metal frames and everything go with him.So theres the scream again, and Im holding my neck, and I sort of crawl to the big hole that used to be the front wall of the loft, and Tommy is in the middle of the street below, naked, in a big splash of metal and glass, and hes like crawling up the side of a car to his feet.And Jodys beside me. And shes all, Tommy TommyBut hes limping off down the alley across the street, walking like his le gs are still broken, but maybe healing or something as he goes, but hurting like holy-fuck.So Jody takes my head and turns it to the side and pulls my hand away from the bite. And I feel like Im going to pass out. But she bends down and licks my neck, like three times, then puts my hand back on the wound.Hold that. Itll heal in a second. Then she shook me and was all, Now, where the fuck are my clothes?And Im all, Under the bed. Vacuum bags.I think I passed out then, because next thing I remember, the Countess is standing there in jeans and boots and her red leather jacket, and shes stuffing bags of blood into my biohazard messenger bag.And shes all, Im fetching this.And Im all, Kay. Then Im like, You saved me.Im taking half the money, too, she said.Im all, You cant go. Where will you go? Who will take care of you?Like you did? she says.Im so sorry, I said.And shes all, I know. I have to find him. I brought him into this. He never wanted any of this. He just wanted someone to love him.So she starts to leave, without even saying good-bye, and Im all, Countess, wait, theres vampyre cats.And she stops. And she turns all, Whaaaa?And Jared is all nodding and going, Really. Really.And Im, Chet turned a bunch of kitties into vampyre kitties. They attacked the Emperor last night and they ate a meter maid.And she was all, Oh, for fucks sake.And Im all, I know, I know.Then she was gone. And Jared was like in the middle of catching some escaped rats and hes all, You guys are going to totally lose your security deposit.Jody is just gone. Gone. On her own in the night. Its like Lord Byron said in that poem Darkness.Darkness had no needOf aid from them-She was the Universe.Id like to go bone my sister now.Im paraphrasing.